march 27

That is her birthday, my mother’s birthday. I never knew that.. for some reason, my whole life I thought she was born on the same month I was born. I just talked to her on the phone and I was fine while talking to her. I was calm, nonchalant, talking to her like a normal person, as in talking to the clients I’ve worked with, a stranger on the phone…I greeted her with a late happy new year and a belated Christmas. She asked me how I was doing, if I’m working, what I was doing, where I am living now… And also how Rod was, how my grandma was, dad, aunts…I asked her about her divorce, how she was doing, about my other siblings. She mentioned her divorce, how her mother was, her other kids, my siblings (Sarah, Willena, Francis, and William).

She asked me about my fiance and my upcoming wedding. I told her about it. I told her about dad and how he was upset of the distance and drive to the wedding site… Why I had the urge to tell her that, I don’t know. Maybe it was cry for some norm, some connection…Honestly, it probably was that.  Speaking to her on the phone,  felt weird.. it felt so foreign.  I think the past 27 years of my life, I have only talked to her on the phone for a total of 4 or 5 times, I don’t even know.. I only know and can recognize her voice as of now.

I could sense her hesitance on the phone, her fear, her agony, her pain, her struggle, and urge to hold back her words of forgiveness and tears. I would like to think I made it easy for her, with my calm, sweet, soft, voice and thoughtful statements. I mentioned to her about my new job, how I currently am working for Child Support Enforcement Services. Since she had mentioned about her bankruptcy and I knew of her struggle (from Frances) and could somewhat sense her embarrassment and shame… of applying for bankruptcy.

And I tried to help, tried to tell her about child support services and the assistance she can receive, since she has 2 children who are still under the age of 18 and that she does not have to be doing it all on her own.. A single mother, working 7 days a week on minimum wage. She insisted, “they don’t have that in Guam and that it is different.” I continued to tell her to just try and check. But she just let it go..

Towards the end of the call, when there was no more to be said… no other things to discuss, I mentioned I had to get back to work.. She said, “Ok… I love you.”

I then proceeded to say, “Take care.”

As I hung up the phone. I could feel it again. The welt deep inside my inner being, it all began to rise again. I was filled with so much emotion, so much pain, so much heart ache, so much wanted love… The tears couldn’t help but fall. I cried. I wanted to cry longer, to just let it out, to just let it go… I knew it was alright for me to feel this way, that it is what I needed, that it is what I wanted. I’ve longed for her to say those words.

But I restrained myself, I wiped my tears away, splashed my face with water, cleaned myself up. Then headed back into work. The irony is, I work 7 days a week, just like my mother.

Judged

Judged

Words seem to label me,

when I want them to enable me.

Exotic.

Brown skin.

Black hair.

W H E R E  A R E  Y O U  F R O M ?

Not this again.

Oh hell                                       no!

Get the Fuck out of my face!

IF you really want to

get to know me.

Don’t try and show off to me.

Trying,

to be all smooth, calm,

charming.

Asshole. People.

If you really want to know me,

talk to me,

get to know me.

Ask me about

life.

About love,

about struggle,

about drugs..

and maybe just maybe

about the men I’d tell you

about the men I’ve fucked.

I’ll let you in,

I’ll let you know.

But if you only care about my

skin color..

Then I must say no.

ABC’s

I just thought to do this A B C’s of me! Just because. . .

Age: 23 January 1986

Bed size: Queen

Chocolate: Milk

Dessert: Halo Halo!

Ethnic background: Filipino American

Fear: Time lost.

Graduation from high school and/or college:  HS-2004, College-2011

Hometown: Dededo, Guam and Everett, WA

Instruments I play: My voice and a little bit of piano.

Job title: Substitute Teacher at the moment.

Kids: None at the moment.

Live: Tallahassee, Florida

Middle name: My mother’s maiden name, Mendoza.

Natural hair color: Black, sometimes dark brown.

Overnight hospital stays: None.

Pastime: Reading, writing poetry, crocheting, baking, walking, running, and working out.

Quote:  “Sometimes you have to give up what you are for what you can become.” ~Anonymous

Right or left-handed: Right

Siblings: 1 younger brother, and 5 other step brothers/sisters.

T.V. Show: At this moment in time: The Office, The Killing, and The Game of Thrones

Underwear: Yes and sometimes.

Vacation spot I love: Anywhere by the ocean, Hawaii.. or new lands I haven’t ventured to (ie. Europe, France, China, Thailand, Alaska..)!

Weather right now: Hot, 91 degrees.

X-Rays: On my teeth, count?

Yummy meal I make: Pesto pasta and split pea soup 🙂

Zoo Animal: Tigers!

Writing l-e-t-t-e-r-s !

I think everyone should have some time in their busy lives to WRITE LETTERS!

It doesn’t necessarily mean write letters to people, it generally just means Write L-E-T-T-E-R-S!

In this fast-paced, growing, technology enhanced, overly texting world we live in, people have forgotten to take a pen and WRITE.

It could be anything! Find some time in your days or days to just find a quiet place and sit down… with a pen and paper in hand.. write , jot down, or scribble a few words.

You could journal to yourself, you could practice your penmanship, write the alphabet over and over again, write in cursive… No one ever really writes in cursive anymore, why is that? Is it just cause we are lazy?

AND Yes, obviously write some letters!! Write something to yourself, journal, vent. You could also possibly, write a letter to a family member, a loved one, a friend, a pen pal, any one… And you don’t necessarily have to send it.

Sometimes, its great to get out of your head and just transfer all those creative, crazy, odd, happy, sad, morbid, horrific, spontaneous thoughts onto something substantial…like paper.

DAY 29

Goals for the next 30 days.

  • Read more.
  • Go outside more.
  • Cook more Filipino food!
  • Be more active.
  • Paint!
  • Write more in journal.
  • Consider studying for the GRE again.
  • Write to family & friends.
  • Be more aggressive in finding a suitable job I enjoy!
  • Be MORE AWARE of my surroundings.
  • Be MORE PRESENT.
  • Bake more!
  • Cook more in general.
  • Call Family ❤
  • Sing more.
  • Smile more.
  • Laugh more 🙂

PS. Will add more!

DAY 28

Something  that you miss. 

Some things:

My light jogs, walks through the waterfronts in Tacoma, WA.

 

Chilling, sipping on some delicious coffee in the cafe’s of Olympia, WA.

 

Seattle rush hour traffic…

 

My long drive to Everett, WA to visit my Lolo’s grave ❤

 

The fluffy white snow during the winter time!

 

Most importantly, my family back home in Washington & Las Vegas ❤

 

 

DAY 27

A problem that you have had.

Accepting my beauty, my inner beauty.

We live in a society today where women have to be picture perfect. Even now, with technology still reaching its peak and the social networking  right on your finger tips… It’s hard to believe you are truly beautiful when there is the media propagating women with artificial enhancements, waxed/hair less bodies like babies, and fully covered with un-natural make up.

I have always had problems in accepting my brown beauty. My light in the winter, dark in the summer Filipino skin. There are times when I am proud and happily don’t care what others may think. However, there are also times when I feel as if my beauty isn’t beautiful enough.

When this happens…I stop myself with these negative, incorrect thoughts, that are not mine. I remind myself I am more. I have the skin of my Filipino people. The eyes, lips, nose, and smile of my family bloodline. Most importantly, I have my inner beauty…my heart of infinite passion, love, and drive.