Newlyweds!!! (Warning: Photo overload)

I am so happy to say that I will get to share the rest of my life with my pen-pal, best friend, and lovely partner!  ❤

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We married twice!!!

First on Saturday, April 26, 2014 at Alfred B. Maclay Gardens, Brannon and I had a small wedding ceremony in the early morning. We had the honor of Brannon’s grandfather marrying us! He is such a wonderful, kind, and considerate man. He helped us a lot in preparing for the actually ceremony, including the premarital counseling.

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It was great to have family and friends celebrate with us ❤

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🙂

Then we did it again on Thursday, May 29, 2014, at the Grand Canyon North Rim in Arizona!!!

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 Everything was beautiful and more than we expected ❤

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We all had an amazingly wonderful time!

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Good times, good times. 

 

 

march 27

That is her birthday, my mother’s birthday. I never knew that.. for some reason, my whole life I thought she was born on the same month I was born. I just talked to her on the phone and I was fine while talking to her. I was calm, nonchalant, talking to her like a normal person, as in talking to the clients I’ve worked with, a stranger on the phone…I greeted her with a late happy new year and a belated Christmas. She asked me how I was doing, if I’m working, what I was doing, where I am living now… And also how Rod was, how my grandma was, dad, aunts…I asked her about her divorce, how she was doing, about my other siblings. She mentioned her divorce, how her mother was, her other kids, my siblings (Sarah, Willena, Francis, and William).

She asked me about my fiance and my upcoming wedding. I told her about it. I told her about dad and how he was upset of the distance and drive to the wedding site… Why I had the urge to tell her that, I don’t know. Maybe it was cry for some norm, some connection…Honestly, it probably was that.  Speaking to her on the phone,  felt weird.. it felt so foreign.  I think the past 27 years of my life, I have only talked to her on the phone for a total of 4 or 5 times, I don’t even know.. I only know and can recognize her voice as of now.

I could sense her hesitance on the phone, her fear, her agony, her pain, her struggle, and urge to hold back her words of forgiveness and tears. I would like to think I made it easy for her, with my calm, sweet, soft, voice and thoughtful statements. I mentioned to her about my new job, how I currently am working for Child Support Enforcement Services. Since she had mentioned about her bankruptcy and I knew of her struggle (from Frances) and could somewhat sense her embarrassment and shame… of applying for bankruptcy.

And I tried to help, tried to tell her about child support services and the assistance she can receive, since she has 2 children who are still under the age of 18 and that she does not have to be doing it all on her own.. A single mother, working 7 days a week on minimum wage. She insisted, “they don’t have that in Guam and that it is different.” I continued to tell her to just try and check. But she just let it go..

Towards the end of the call, when there was no more to be said… no other things to discuss, I mentioned I had to get back to work.. She said, “Ok… I love you.”

I then proceeded to say, “Take care.”

As I hung up the phone. I could feel it again. The welt deep inside my inner being, it all began to rise again. I was filled with so much emotion, so much pain, so much heart ache, so much wanted love… The tears couldn’t help but fall. I cried. I wanted to cry longer, to just let it out, to just let it go… I knew it was alright for me to feel this way, that it is what I needed, that it is what I wanted. I’ve longed for her to say those words.

But I restrained myself, I wiped my tears away, splashed my face with water, cleaned myself up. Then headed back into work. The irony is, I work 7 days a week, just like my mother.

Home

Home

Bleak, dark, starry night…

In my room.

Afraid of                     BANGs,             tremors from within

the walls.

 

Words that pierce like sharp razor scissor sheers.

Wounds that never heal.

Vulgar man.

Worthless woman.

Bastard children.      

You are nothing to me…

 

Leave               and                                     Go.

Bounce, scramble around this lovely circle of what we call                     Family.

Seemingly kind and considerate …

yet hateful with greed and jealousy.

 

Home?

Where the wind blows through the fence, rusty and            sharp.

Writing l-e-t-t-e-r-s !

I think everyone should have some time in their busy lives to WRITE LETTERS!

It doesn’t necessarily mean write letters to people, it generally just means Write L-E-T-T-E-R-S!

In this fast-paced, growing, technology enhanced, overly texting world we live in, people have forgotten to take a pen and WRITE.

It could be anything! Find some time in your days or days to just find a quiet place and sit down… with a pen and paper in hand.. write , jot down, or scribble a few words.

You could journal to yourself, you could practice your penmanship, write the alphabet over and over again, write in cursive… No one ever really writes in cursive anymore, why is that? Is it just cause we are lazy?

AND Yes, obviously write some letters!! Write something to yourself, journal, vent. You could also possibly, write a letter to a family member, a loved one, a friend, a pen pal, any one… And you don’t necessarily have to send it.

Sometimes, its great to get out of your head and just transfer all those creative, crazy, odd, happy, sad, morbid, horrific, spontaneous thoughts onto something substantial…like paper.

DAY 28

Something  that you miss. 

Some things:

My light jogs, walks through the waterfronts in Tacoma, WA.

 

Chilling, sipping on some delicious coffee in the cafe’s of Olympia, WA.

 

Seattle rush hour traffic…

 

My long drive to Everett, WA to visit my Lolo’s grave ❤

 

The fluffy white snow during the winter time!

 

Most importantly, my family back home in Washington & Las Vegas ❤

 

 

DAY 24

Your favorite movie and what’s it about.

 

I love this movie. I watched it countless times with my younger brother and Lolo (Grandfather). He loved this movie!

Sum it: It’s about a woman, who doesn’t know what she wants in life. However, suddenly she encounters a family that she would never have thought would inspire, teach, and love her in so many ways possible!

Plus its a MUSICAL 🙂

DAY 22

How have you changed in the past 2 years.

I would love to say I am less naive and more confident. However, at the current state I am in …My motivation to list the positives about myself have been quite difficult. However, I do know I have changed. Let me do my best and be honest.

  • I can identify when people take advantage of me.
  • I know when I am in an unhealthy relationship
  • I understand the majority of my childhood traumas and be able to acknowledge my coping mechanisms.
  • I no longer suppress my emotions.
  • I know I am a strong woman and person of color.
  • I no longer utilize mind altering substances to ignore my inner pain.
  • I still continually love with all my heart.
  • I take risks when needed, at least I hope I do.
  • I remind myself to be aware and present in the moment.
  • I understand the meaning of being privileged and acknowledge that I am one to others. 
  • I am family oriented, regardless of what I have told myself in the past.
  • In order to be satisfyingly happy, I somehow have to find support and community.
Most of all in the past 2 years, more so in the past few months, I have learned that change is part of my growth. No matter the difficulty and struggle, it is part of my journey in finding my own peace and serenity in this life.