DAY 05

A time you thought about ending your life. 

I was about 15 years old and I had a plan. During that time of my life, I slept with a rusty razor blade underneath my pillow for almost a year. The thoughts of ending my life we’re always with me because I could no longer stand living with an abusive, alcoholic of a father. I had sought for help and even then it was useless.  School, other family members, sleep, they were all an escape. Anything that kept me away from knowing I was in that horrific house was a paradise compared to the fear I had of being at that so-called home.

The plan: Come home after school and lock myself in the bathroom. Then lay in the tub full of water as  I slit both of my wrists. 

Not a genius of an idea but simple and probably painful, yet still would have led me to the end of my demise.

I remember vividly the day I was to go through with it. My father and his deranged girlfriend, wouldn’t be arriving til later on in the evening. My younger brother would either be at his friend’s house or school. Thus I had the house all to myself.

After school, I walked up to my room, dropped my school bag, went to my bed to grab the razor blade under my pillow. As I held it I thought to myself, “This is it. They better find me bloody & dead and not midway through it.” I began to walk to the hallway that lead to the bathroom. Suddenly, I heard a voice and felt a nudge on my arm. It was my younger brother.

He seemed to be confused, but upset. I walked with him to his room. He wanted to talk about all the fighting, all the yelling, all the nights both adults had left us alone with no food, and no company. I clenched the blade and hid it in one of my pockets. I sat down with him and gave him comforting words. I told him that it wasn’t our fault and everything was going to be okay. Then I held him and we cried.

Even now as I recall the memories and type this onto the screen, my eyes begin to water and I can’t hold back the tears. I’m not sure if my brother remembers that incident in our traumatizing past of a childhood. But I will never forget that day.

He saved my life and gave me strength to protect the both of us. 

 

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